Trans/Autism

I might be gay for autism, y’all—for realz.

I’ve had an interest in the subject of autism for about as long as it’s been part of my knowledge bank. I’ve questioned at times whether I might have autism myself, however high functioning, or not, I might appear. Many of the symptoms of autism, ADHD, PTSD and bipolar disorder (I’ve been diagnosed with the last two) can blend into one when a person is trying to self diagnose. Interestingly, I’ve never had a doctor take seriously any question I’ve had about autism. I wonder if it’s because I’m Black. Like all Black people are assumed by many physicians to have high blood pressure: maybe there’s a bias in the medical profession that Black people can’t be autistic. It wouldn’t surprise me. I’ll save the inherent racism in the medical industrial complex for another post.

I recently had a date with a person who divulged their autism to me. By that point in the conversation it did not come as a surprise. It was becoming so common among significant partners of mine. I’ll honor people’s privacy and not count out the names. It’s a lot. Here was another. I waited until we were done and I asked this person was anything about me that would be attractive to people who have autism? He answered me.

“Most cis-women laugh in my face.” The answer came flat. It made me angry. This person—cis-man, likely Native American—was beautiful by my estimate. I believed them and it didn’t even surprise me (what’s that about). The scene it evoked was pretty revolting that someone had elected that response to anyone. It was . Their teeth were asymmetrical. It was cute. We talked about his dating history for a while and then we talked about Tarot and animal spirits.

I recognize, as the common denominator, it’s more likely that I’m the one who is somehow attracted to certain characteristics and there’s possibly a way of behaving I might simply be associating with autistic. I’m conflicted in it coming up as a subject. It’s emerging as a pattern. The one person I questioned had a prepared answer. I start making connections. Had he really just said trans girls were easier? It’s fraught with problems. I wasn’t, fortunately, the first to consider it. Searching the internet, I found a number of interesting articles and related content. A YouTube creator with autism listed reasons they believed someone might find their autism, and the behaviors that go with it, attractive.

I’m not gonna summarize what others have said. My evidence is enough to keep me curious. What it boils down to for me is how does this person engage with my body, which includes the thoughts and words my body produces. How does the person get consent, even in the heat of passions? I’m interested in attention to detail. I want clear communication. People with autism often make a study of human interaction as a matter of survival. It should have been expected between rounds one and two (people with autism can be particularly obsessive around what interest them) when my partner so politely asked, “May I finger you some more?” Before plunging back in.

—Notorious Pink