No Drama and Other Euphemisms
I wanna know WTF people on dating apps mean by “No Drama”, y’all — for realz!
[this is more than my customary five paragraphs. Subject too big. Still only scratching the surface!]
Before I go in, this is not sour grapes. Pink “gets it in” as they say. Still, I wanna unpack some of the shit that is considered acceptable in the virtual dating world for queer people. I get that these mobile apps for dating (and random other stuff) is bottom of the barrel when it comes to looking for any kind of meaningful connection, but does it have to be so shady and hostile? I get that the first impression is visual. An interesting face sure AF so get my attention. Does it mean everyone need try and look like they fell out of a 1980’s International Male spread (dating myself)?
In the midst of the objectification (often of self), that is all but enforced in those spaces, a system of code words has been developed to covertly marginalize certain people, while elevating others. These phrases tend to fall into general use by people I imagine don’t even know what they mean, but they want their profile to sound hip or relevant. Phrases that are the equivalent of a studio body shot, finely retouched in Photoshop. Think phrases like “Netflix and Chill” which was code for a booty call that was pretending to be a benign casual meeting to watch television. Yeah, right! I bet it was great free advertising for Netflix!
People will assume that No Drama encompasses no acting out scenes from Fatal Attraction. Of course no one wants a “crazy person” in their bed. That ain’t what it means though and I ain’t buying anyone who wants to argue different. No drama means don’t ask me for anything. It means don’t you dare have any needs emotions other than to please me, or that I want you to feel (ecstasy over my presence). It means don’t stop me in the middle of my good time to make a request, to tell me it hurts, that you’d rather not, or that you are getting a little overwhelmed and need a second to breathe.
No drama is the tip of the iceberg with its subtle homophobia (drama as acting gay in public), ableism (drama as having any special needs due to physical limitations or mental issues) and misogyny (only girls are supposed to feel emotional, or expect reciprocation). The phrase limits expression to only those things that meet the expectations of the profile owner. If I ask to put my penis in you without a condom, that is not drama. Saying no when I ask you to please wear a condom is drama. Inviting a stranger in my house for sex in the middle of the night is not drama. Asking to meet for a cup of coffee to verify the person’s who they say they are is drama.
No Drama is just one of many problematic code phrases used on “dating” apps. That’s right, bitches, I’m a spill all the tea. There will be no drinkable tea when I am done. Here goes:
Straight acting (homophobic?)
Fit/In-shape (not the same thing but equally vague)
Masculine only
Twinks (thin, appears underage, and White. I’ve never met a black twink!)
No fats or fems
PnP (party and play: code for doing meth and having sex)
BBC (a description of the penis of a well-endowed black person , which I think for some means any Black person’s penis)
DDF (drug and disease free. Do I have to explain why that is sickening?)
Clean (This one just makes me cry. It means HIV negative, meaning people with HIV are dirty! Really? From other queer people, many of whose sex practices will likely end then up in a similar boat, is depressing. Did ACT UP do nothing for the movement? Sick!)
Blow and go (come over don’t talk to me, let me get my rocks off and then you leave without talking)
“It’s [insert app name], we ALL know why we’re here!” Really? Do we?
FWB (friends with benefits, which really means, be available when I want sex. I could give a f*ck about you otherwise).
NSA (no strings attached, this also means, be there when I want something from you, otherwise please disappear).
Whites only please! (Yes! They put it right out there like that)
Professional (code for middle class and , likely, White only).
Give me a second to wipe the tears away. That really hurt to go through that list. Awfully, most profiles contain at least one of these insulting, shameless and hurtful terms/usages. Some of those phrases are simply slurs thinly veiled (so thin you can’t miss it), others are more subtlety problematic. Every one of them is worthy of a post on its own. I’m especially offended by any of the little slogans that get offered as conventional cruising etiquette. The “we know why we’re here” is one of my least favorite and triggering phrases. It’s those people who religiously watch television, who are shocked when they meet someone who doesn’t watch television at all. It assumes there aren’t all kinds of people with all kinds of expectations, needs and limitations.
I’m willing to bet these are mottos that started with white, cis-males, who have lots of disposable time and income—people who see life as one transaction after another (sex being just another transaction for which the customer is always right). I’ll prolly have more to say about the expectation these folks have about what others will be willing to be do for them for no pay (specifically, trans people). That’s another post.
