Step Nine: I’m Sorry…No Buts!

Written By Pink Flowers

When it’s time to make amends, don’t make shit worse, y’all — for realz!

Step Nine: “Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”

I actually get nervous for people when it comes to amends. I dove into mine way too fast and fucked the first couple up. I was vague AF and ended up confusing a bunch o’ people. Some people walked away mad. Sometimes, I walked away mad ‘cause shit ain’t go the way I wanted. O’ course, that was my first mistake—thinking I had some control over how that shit was gonna go.

Now, I got a test I use before any amends. First, I see if it’s even possible. Is the person alive and, if they are, would I know how to find them? Then I ask myself is it safe to make contact? Some people for whatever reason, it’s best they forget I’m alive. There are downright dangerous people I need to avoid and there’s people for who just thinking about me is traumatic and they’ve let me know.

I also ask myself if the thing I did actually harmed the person in a specific way. I dropped off the radar for some people. If it was just natural and mutual, ain’t no need calling to apologize we ain’t friends no more. Need to be specific, like sleeping with they boyfriend, stealing something or insulting the fuck out of ‘em—shit like that. I gotta be able admit harm I did.

Last, I ask, is bringing this up gonna create trouble for other people? Sure it’s gonna be awkward AF for me. I suck that up. I ain’t gonna snitch on somebody else in the process. Is talking about this issue going require the person to go into therapy? I’m serious as fuck about this one. Making amends ain’t about dumping your shit on other people.

Once I check for all this, I write out exactly what I’m gonna say. I include a version where the person refused to even talk to me and I thank them for their time and move on. I make amends on the regular now. Trust me, it’s worth the pain.

Pink Flowers

Pink Flowers is a Black trans artist, peacemaker, educator, and pleasure activist whose work lives at the intersection of embodiment, governance, and cultural transformation. Trained in Theater of the Oppressed, Art of Hosting, and Navajo-informed Peacemaking practices, Pink designs spaces where conflict can be addressed, power can be examined, and joy can be reclaimed.

Her artistic and pedagogical practice draws from African trickster cosmology, Brazilian Joker traditions, shamanic ritual, and cooperative economics. She is the founder of the award-winning Falconworks Theater Company (2005–2021), which used popular theater to build civic capacity and participatory leadership in historically marginalized communities.

Pink served for over five years as a trained Peacemaker in the Red Hook Community Justice Center in Brooklyn, facilitating restorative processes within the New York City court system. From 2015–2018, she worked in cooperative business development with the Center for Family Life, supporting worker-owned enterprises in immigrant communities.

She currently serves as Director of Education and Training for the Inter-Cooperative Council in Ann Arbor, where she leads leadership development and conflict engagement initiatives. Her work has been presented nationally and internationally, including at the Stretch Festival in Berlin and the Pedagogy and Theatre of the Oppressed Conference.

Across ritual, performance, mediation, and institutional design, Pink’s work asks a central question:

What becomes possible when we refuse shame and choose conscious power instead?

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Step Eight: In Your Wake